My bestfriend Pepper

As I am writing this, I am completely bewildered and at an utter loss for words.  I believe the time has come to put my beloved Pomeranian, my best friend since 1996, Pepper to sleep.

I am 23, and recently moved back in with my family.  They are currently on a cruise out of the country, so naturally I was put in charge of watching the house/Pepper.  Pepper has a history of epilepsy which we keep in control with two daily doses of phenobarbital, and about two months ago was diagnosed with chronic kidney failure at a routine exam.  He’s always been a fun-loving and active dog, even in the last couple of years.  I always remarked how he was an older dog, but still acted like a puppy.  I suppose that’s what’s making this even harder, as his decline has been rapid.

Two days after my parents left for their cruise, Pepper took a turn for the worse.  Started sleeping a lot more, refusing food and water, and last night began vomiting.  I took him to an emergency vet who helped ease his nausea and recommended I take him to his normal vet today.  I awoke this morning and he could barely move, and had a look in his eyes like he was ready to let go.  I rushed him to the vet and they currently have him hospitalized on IV fluids to flush his kidneys.  As of 6pm today the vet told me there was no change, for better or worse, and if his kidney enzyme levels aren’t lower by tomorrow we need to start thinking about options. 

I had already come to terms with what I would need to do when I saw the way he looked at me this morning.  He wasn’t the happy, healthy dog he’s been the majority of his life, he was listless and the look in his eyes just said that he had had enough.  I’m awaiting a phone call in the next coming hours about his status, but i’m preparing for the worst.  The hardest part of this is my family is out of the country, and I feel as if i’m doing this all alone.  I know I have to do it for my buddy who’s been by my side since I was 11, it’s just so difficult to come to grips with.  just keep me in your thoughts, sorry for rambling I just felt the need to type this out and get my feelings off of my chest.

Hi Carter, and welcome.

I’m so glad you found our forum. No pet lover should have to go through this alone.

It sounds to me like you are fully concentrated on what is best for Pepper right now, and that is a good thing because it will help you realize if/when it’s time to let go. You’re doing all you can for Pepper right now to give him a fighting chance, so if the vet does tell you that nothing more can be done, at least you’ll have the comfort of knowing you did what you could.

Letting go is very difficult, even when you’re sure it’s the right thing to do. After all, our dogs become family members, not just mere pets. They are an integral part of our lives. I have been in your situation before, and I fully understand what you’re going through right now. I only wish your family was there to help you with this situation. But since they can’t be, just know that you can come here for support. Many members of this forum have experienced this loss, and they know that sharing the pain with people who really understand helps ease the grief a little. Just know that we’re here for you if you need us, and please let us know what happens.

Take care.

I just returned from the vet about an hour ago where I made the decision to have Pepper put to sleep.  The test results after the kidney treatments revealed no change, and it wasn’t going to get any better.  I didn’t want him hooked up to IVs in a strange place any longer.  When I saw him it seemed like he barely recognized me.  He couldn’t walk, his breathing was labored.  I brought in his favorite toy and an unwashed shirt so as to assure he could smell me.  I called my family and had them on speakerphone and talking to him when it was his time to go.  I told him how much I love him and how I’ll think about him everyday, and that he is my bestfriend.  No dog will ever replace him.  He went peacefully, and I feel a sense of relief that he’s not suffering anymore and he passed on with me rubbing his head and my mom and dad talking to him. 

Right now I just feel kind of numb.  His hair is all over the house and I keep looking at his kennel and knowing he won’t be going in there to take naps anymore.  I know that he won’t be here to share Thanksgiving (his favorite time, he would go absolutely wild once my dad brought out the electric knife to carve the turkey knowing he’d get a few bites) or Christmas.  Most of all I just feel lonely.  I’m glad he’s at peace, and he’s no longer suffering.  He must have been suffering silently for a long time, he never let on that he was in pain or feeling ill until the last couple of days.  Thank you for your support and giving me an outlet to express these feelings.

Rest In Peace Pepper 1996-2009.

Hi Carter,

I’m so sorry it had to turn out like this, but I’m sure you did the right thing. The vet was able to confirm that treatment wasn’t helping, and it sounds like Pepper was beginning to pass. What you did lessened any suffering that further treatment might have prolonged, so I really think it was the right time to let go. It was really wonderful that you thought of using the speaker phone so your parents could talk to Pepper. They say that dogs can probably hear us even if they aren’t able to respond, and if that’s possible then I’m sure Pepper found it comforting to have his family around him as much as they could be.

I can imagine how lonely you are right now. What I recommend is that you try to get out of the house for a while and be around other people. It’s alright to grieve, but sitting at home alone is likely to deepen your depression. I don’t know how long your parents are going to be away, but the house is going to feel better once they return. Don’t hesitate to check in with me if you need support.

Thank you for your kind words, it means a lot knowing I’m not the only one who’s been through this, even though at times like these it’s hard not to feel completely alone and vulnerable.

I’ve been keeping busy, did some yardwork/housework, and now I believe I’m going to go fishing.  I took Pepper’s tags off of his collar and attached them to mine and my mom’s keyrings for memory.  I’m at odds about what I should do about his bowl and kennel and whatnot, his toys are still lying around the house I just don’t have the heart to throw them out or put them away.  This is just so difficult.

Well, I’m glad to hear your doing some things to keep busy. Believe me, it helps even though it’s going to take some time to adjust.

For now, maybe you’ll just want to gather Pepper’s things together in one spot, kind of like a small memorial. You don’t have to do anything else with them until you feel ready. You’re just making a small transition from him being there to having moved on now. You don’t have to do it all at once. Just do it gradually as acceptance sets in. I also love the idea of keeping Pepper’s tags on your keyring for rememberance.

Take care and stay in touch.

Hi Carter,

I am so very sorry for the loss of your best friend.  I am so glad you found this forum to help you through this time.  I am so glad you were able to be with Pepper and say goodbye.  I am also glad that your parents were able to be on the phone for you and Pepper.  I have also been in your shoes and know that it will take some time to heal.  Please know that we are here whenever you need support.  You are definitely in my thoughts.

Hi Carter, I also wanted to tell you how sorry I am for your loss. I know that this is not an easy time for you, but I think, like others have said, that you did the right thing. It’s very difficult now, but at least you know you did the very best that you could. I’ll also keep you in my thoughts and appreciate you sharing your story here.

Hello Carter - I also have been in this situation and want to tell you how sorry I am for the loss of Pepper. He was a wonderful companion and friend for many years. It is easy to see how much you also loved him in return - right up to his time to move on - by how you made all the best decisions for him.

Keeping his tags on the keychains is a wonderful idea - my son who is now almost 40 still has the tags of a special dog that passed when he was 18. Know that Pepper will always be with you and also that we are here for you!